The title of this show is most misleading.

I watched 10 minutes of this last night and out of all of the people on it, I only recognised:

• Ant
• Dec
• Esther
• Hiro’s Dad
• Martina
• Kiljoy
• that bloke from Blue ~ but I had to think for ages and ages about who he was.

The fact that Ant and Dec are the presenters and probably two of the most famous people on the telly doesn’t help either.

So. Either I don’t watch enough TV/read enough sleb mags ~ OR ITV are really scraping the bottom of the barrell this time.

I did, however, see someone fall out of their hammock which was most amusing ~ but not enough to make me tune in again tomorrow.

Have you seen him in the Morrison’s ad?  All wrapped up and looking snuggly and being dragged across snowy plains by a load of Huskys.

Isn’t he looking old though?  When he’s got his hood up and with the scarf wrapped around him?  I can’t stop staring at his crows feet!   He just looks so rough when he doesn’t have his hair to detract your attention.

I still would though.

You’ve got to love Saturday and Sunday evenings. It’s Strictly Come Dancing!

The titles roll and it’s time to reach for your glass of wine ~ ‘cos let’s face it ~ with some of the dancing on this show, you need to be half cut to enjoy it.

My favourite of this season has unfortunately been voted off.  Brian Fortuna. New to Strictly this year, but has apparently been on the Yankee series before. I started off absolutely hating him.  He didn’t seem able to move his face in any way at all and rather reminded me of a Thunderbird puppet. But then I saw him with Claudia on ITT, where he was just lovely and I fell for him. Then of course, as is my typical luck, he was voted off.

Austin and Tom have been head and shoulders above the rest of the “slebs” since the beginning, but they’re really beginning to piss me off now.

I’ve never warmed to Austin. I don’t give a toss if he is some great bloody Rugby player, I just feel “meh” when watching him.

Tom’s ok. A bit smarmy I feel, but as a huge fan o Holby, I can’t moan too much. I’m just glad that he’s finally got married so he can stop going on about it. Yes, he got married a couple of weeks ago! Didn’t you know? You would have had to have been blind and deaf not to have known though as it’s all any of them went on about.  He’s very tired one week because he’s been rehearsing for Strictly and then of course straight after he was having his Stag Night (in the strictly studio from  what I could understand,) then getting married the very next day. He kept pointing to his ring finger! BARF.  Then on the results show, Tess and Brucie Big Balls kept mentioning the wedding, then the following week, Tom was complaining that he was worn out from the aforementioned wedding and all of the rehearsals for strictly and the fact that his head was just full of wedding bells and thoughts of his wonderful wife!  ENOUGH!  Yes, we know you’re married but shut the fuck up now and crack on with the dancing.

Brucie is just an embarrassment. He’s 80. We know this ‘cos Tess kept going on about it last night, but surely it’s time to put him out of his misery ~ or rather, my misery. Watching him is just cringe worthy.  He gets peoples names wrong all the time. The funniest being at the beginning of this series when he called Jessie Wallace Jelly! Jelly! He wasn’t actually far wrong, but still.  He stands there peering at his cue cards in his hand and doles out jokes that just aren’t funny, minute after minute.   And then last night, he was dancing with Anton. Dear God.  This two are like peas in a pod.  Surely Anton is being set up to take over from Brucie when he finally does the decent thing and quits.  Although shockingly, the latest rumour is that it’s not Brucie who is thinking of quiting Strictly, but Len!

Apparently, Len is knackered from having to do Strictly and then hop on a plane to go and do the Yankee version.  Len’s said that he’d rather do Strictly but of course the money is better in the US so that’s bound to be tempting.

And speaking of Len. Have you ever watched him on ITT?  He does a bit on the show called “Ask Len” where he answers stupid unfunny questions that have been sent in by the public. From this we can see that Len is unable to read from the Autocue without his eyebrows waggling up and down uncontrollably.   It’s worth watching just for that.   Much as I like Claudia, he nasal voice is annoying.

And now of course we have Sergantgate. John Sergeant, who blatantly CANNOT dance, yet he’s being kept in week after week and it’s not funny and it’s not fair.  The other week he stated that there was no way that he’d be voted out because the British public wouldn’t allow it.   I think it’s safe to say that that was the turning point for me.  How dare he be so shite at dancing and yet so fucking smug.

Saturday night was great though, because we’re finally getting some ten’s and the lovely Bruno always raises his left arm when giving a ten.  Always fantastic to see.

And now, last night poor Cherie was voted off and that’ just not right or fair.  The slebs that are left in Strictly now are all trying SO hard and really deserve to be in the show ~ with the exception of John.

Although, I have to say that if it’s John and Austin in the dance off next week, I will have Johns number on my speed dial!

So, I came home from the school run this morning, made myself a coffee and turned the TV on.  This is something that I never do, but I was planning on making a start on the Mount Everest aka the ironing and I had a flick through the cable channels wondering if there was anything worth watching.

Excellent I thought. According to VH1 Classic at 10m there’s an hour of AC/DC.  Perfect for helping to while away the bloody ironing.  Off I toddle to get the iron, ironing board and all the rest of the crap that goes with this mammouth task ~ but no. Nothing’s ever that simple is it.

Instead of an hour of AC/DC, what do I get?  Top 10 @ 10 of Status Quo!

Come on!  It’s not rocket science to get the schedule and the videos to actually match.  Well, I know I couldn’t do it ~ but that’s why I don’t work at VH1.

Can somebody, please make a decision about Halloween for the whole of Britain?

We’re either doing it or we’re not.

For the run~up to Halloween the shops, TV and magazines are full of Halloweeny crap. The kids all get excited at the thought of going Trick or Treating and getting dressed up.

Then you go into the newsagents and find little flyers by the tills designed for us to put in our windows and by our front doors stating that we don’t want Trick or Treaters to call.

B’s never been Trick or Treating, which is very sad, I feel for a 7 year old lad, but I don’t want him to get all excited and dressed up, just to go and knock on a few doors locally just for them not to be opened.

This year, we weren’t actually here for Halloween. We went to Legoland for the day and weren’t home until quite late, but I lost count of the ammount of kids knocking on our front door on the couple of days before. What’s that all about? Do these kids not know the date?   It’s not like bloody Carol Singing, where they get to sing all through the Christmas period. It’s one bloody day!  Call me mean if you like, but I refuse to give sweets to kids who Trick or Treat when it’s not bloody Halloween.

Which is what I mean. We need someone to make a decision about this. Either we are doing this, in which case, next year B can go out Trick or Treating, safe in the knowledge that doors will be opened and sweets given out ~ or we’re not, which means that the radio and TV presenters can shut the fuck up for the whole of October and just leave us to start pan

My laptop died, taking with it all of my bookmarked links and passwords, but I’m back now and will hopefully be updating my Blog again soon.

Taken from the always hilarious, Daily Mash.

BRIT-flick director Guy Ritchie will today begin a new chapter in his life based solely on his own talent.

Ritchie insists Vinnie Jones is an actor

Following his divorce from Madonna, showbiz insiders say Ritchie could be bankrupt within a year unless someone shows him how to make a proper film.

The director shot to fame in 1998 with the cockney gangster movie Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and has gone on to remake the film three more times.

He was applauded for the Irish language version, but the next two remakes were panned - although one generous critic did describe them as ’stinking, putrid buckets of reheated shit’.

In a rare departure from making the same thing over and over again he directed his wife in Swept Away and was subsequently chased by police across three continents and clubbed to within an inch of his life at the Berlin Film Festival.

But his greatest achievement so far is launching the career of Jason Statham who has since carved out a successful niche in America making films for the mentally handicapped.

Ritchie is currently filming the fifth ‘Lock Stock’ remake, this time set in Victorian London, in which the hero, Sherlock ‘Big Mickey’ Holmes, and his sidekick put together £100,000 to play three-card brag against ‘Hatchet’ Harry Lonsdale. Vinnie Jones will play Princess Louise, Duchess of Argyle.

Meanwhile Madonna is understood to be disappointed at they way her marriage to Ritchie has ended, telling friends she would have preferred to devour him, limb by limb, before tearing his heart out and throwing it to her crocodile.

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

‘April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!!

Does what it says on the tin. No need to explain any answers unless somebody leaves a comment to ask.  Borrowed from Martial Arts Mom.

Over 18? Yes
Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yes
Ever told a lie? Yes
Been arrested? Yes
Kissed a picture? Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held an actual snake? Yes
Ever run a red light? Yes
Ever drink and drive? No
Been suspended from school? No
Ever been fired from a job? No
Totaled a car/motorbike in an accident? No
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Ever laughed until you wet yourself? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Sat on a rooftop? Yes
Thought about your past with regret? Yes
Been pushed in the pool with your clothes on? Yes
Shaved your head? No
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Had a gym membership? Yes
Been in a band? No
Shot a gun? No
Liked someone with nobody else knowing about it? Yes
Played strip poker? Yes
Been to a strip joint? No
Donated Blood? Yes
Liked someone you shouldn’t? Yes
Have a tattoo? No
Have or had any piercings besides ears? Yes
Made out with a complete stranger? Yes
Caught someone cheating on you? No
Skinny dipped? No
Regret any of your ex’s? Yes
Been to a rodeo? No
Been to a NASCAR race? No
Been in Love? Yes

Taken on the hoof, and with a camera phone so again, it’s not a great one. I need to take my camera with me on walks.